An Open Letter to Elon Musk from the People of Great Britain

When we want your opinion, we’ll ask for it.

Dear Elon (if I may),

As you’re presumptuous enough to speak for the American people, I’ll dare to be equally familiar. Britons everywhere, by way of choosing not to opt-out, have given me the authority to speak on their behalf. Some may cry foul now, but I sent out the telepathic notice, assuming consent. It’s not my fault if some didn’t get it.

I understand this letter could be a trigger for you, because a series of credible sources (look it up) suggest you’re what we, in the post-woke, post-politically correct, Trump-inflected world of cheap speech, call a headcase. Isn’t it true that you’re a narcissist with enough related neuroses to keep Psychology Today busy until 2125? I hear you’re a psychosexual nut – a stale fruitcake, with a series of trying, patience-testing anxieties relating to plaid shirts and unfamiliar fragrances. You remind me of a geezer from college who boiled over when exposed to the scent of cheese and onion crisps (paging Dr Ally Louks). He was a lunatic, Elon – who developed schizophrenia and ended up in Broadmoor with the Yorkshire Ripper and consulting psychologist, Dr James “Jimmy” Savile. Seems to me you’re him plus a hundred billion dollars. Who knew money like that commanded unearned respect?

I’m flattered you’ve taken an interest in our country, but I must ask, like the proverbial Liz Truss, you cease and desist. You’re starting to give me the ick. Can a nation have a stalker? A creep, who assassinates its character, tries to separate it from its friends, and is hell bent on destroying its self-esteem with daily reminders of projected inadequacies? Apparently yes.

Your attempts at coercive control are starting to bore me, Elon. Worse, you’re giving succour to those who’ve been trying to destroy Britain for years – fake patriots like Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson, both of whom showed a preference for 1930’s Germany in their youth. I hear you’re supporting the Alternative für Deutschland (AfD) now. One can see how the three of you found common ground – you’re like the three men in a boat in the last act of Jaws.

The majority of Britons, who don’t confuse your hooligan town square with a news gathering organisation, regard your high-profile fans as degenerates – people who could only have become influential in a world as stupid as ours, where arrested development and attention deficits are celebrated. Their alliance with you is like everyone on the sex offenders’ register lobbying to redefine deviance so they can bid to run orphanages.

You want to overturn my democratically elected government, I understand? How profoundly arrogant and irresponsible of you. Apparently, you plan to do this by funding Reform UK (RefUK) – a private lobby firm, masquerading as a political party, whose principal mission is to indulge their kink for the US, making Britain a vassal state of your failed republic. Thank goodness Keir Starmer doesn’t need reminding that the UK is first and foremost a European country, not a US colony-in-waiting, and the majority of our people have no interest in the trappings of the fifty-first state. What are they? Privatised health care, mutant food, the deregulation of employment, Robbie Williams abolished, and the withdrawal of the state from public life, with a concomitant commitment to letting the most vulnerable dependent on underfunded charities to survive. Believe it or not, Elon – most Britons believe the concept of the deserving poor is Victorian. Some even read Victorian as a pejorative.

You see, Britons enjoy American culture – your nation has succeeded in changing the way these islanders speak, watch TV, work, even what they eat. Politically, however, despite successive UK governments being doe-eyed yankophiles, we still think your political system, how you say, sucks? One of things we hate about it, apart from the imbecility of a Presidential system that would accept a corrupt ignoramus like Donald Trump as a legitimate candidate, is it’s bought. Money talks and bullshit walks into public office. Now you threaten to inject £100m ($122m) into the thick vein of Farage’s flaccid chode, hoping to convince poor Britons to vote against their own interests. You want to us to share a lot more than Starbucks and McDonalds – something like AIDS needles.

Don’t get me wrong, Elon – we’ve got plenty of credulous voters here. Deference is still a disease in British politics. The mysterious mass, known only as “the people”, have shown their propensity to be manipulated by the rich and powerful, but unfortunately for you, the majority already think you’re a pig-ignorant, politically uneducated weirdo, and your proxies in the UK have no credibility with anyone who can put two Lego bricks together. Add our parliamentary first past the post system (ask your advisors), a gift that compels competitive political parties who are serious about governing to go beyond one issue, and have a broad programme aimed at a coalition of voters, and it will be some considerable time before those on your payroll are in a position to rebrand Britain X-Land. In fact, I’ll go further – I’ll bet you your fortune that you run out of interest and influence long before Nigel Farage gets anywhere near 10 Downing Street. Stick to Mars, buddy – it’s arid and lifeless, like your politics.

Finally, in case you think I’m being dismissive of the historic social and political failures you’ve disingenuously raked up in a bid to undermine our left-of -centre Labour Government – dredging the case file for anything scandalous, I’ll indulge you for a couple of paragraphs. The rape grooming gang scandal was serious and a reminder that minorities in Britain can be as degenerate and sectarian in their values as any majority. Does that make Britain a basket case? No. Britain has no apartheid, as your curious country of origin once did. That’s what a national scandal and existential crisis looks like. And unlike your adopted USA, we don’t have kids being shot to death every month in their classrooms, or have 8% of our population (over 25 million people) liable for the cost of their own healthcare, irrespective of threat to life. But sure, feel free to weaponise a story that broke and was investigated (resulting in multiple prosecutions) over a decade ago.

While you’re at it, would you mind looking into the case of Derek Bentley, wrongly hanged in 1953 for his part in a robbery where a police officer was shot. Peter Medak dramatised the case in his 1991 film Let Him Have It, and the death penalty’s been abolished here since 1969, but I think you could use it to show Britain’s judicial system is broken. Incidentally, I don’t know if you’ve heard about the strange case of Jack the Ripper, a cause célèbre from 1888? If you want a window into multicultural failures, East-end London poverty, and the shortcomings of our Metropolitan Police Force, you could do worse than investigate. Maybe your reporters on X could finally solve it for us.

In short, Elon – get your own house in order before you criticise us, starting with your friend the President-erect, historically a greater threat to women and girls than twenty Britains combined.

Sincerely,

The Great British People